No Ifs, No Buts, No Coconuts

Just watched Bedlam on 4oD. It made me uncomfortable. It made me cry. It made me feel like a fraud. I can’t be mentally ill. I’m not in hospital. I’m functioning. I’m in the world.

But then last night I slept for 13 hours. I haven’t got dressed. I haven’t showered. Granted, it may be because I’m a little bit poorly – a touch of a cold. But is that why I could barely breathe any words on the phone to W? Why I spent the afternoon panicking about dying of cancer and wondering which boyfriend, present or past, that I’d call? Would it be the call of blackmail, revenge and bitterness, or the one professing that they’re the love of my life and I’m sorry?

But then I’ve managed to swim through the soup to do uni work and the washing up.

But then I couldn’t get out of bed to cook and so ate junk until it hurt.

What if I’m not sick? What if I’m just broken because of a Very Bad Thing which happened to me? What if I’m making it all up?

I’m a fraud, I’m a fraud, I’m a fraud.

But what if I’m not?

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2 thoughts on “No Ifs, No Buts, No Coconuts

  1. bedsocks says:

    Mental hospitals aren’t like the one on bedlam. I’ve spent some time in one this year and it was awful. You’re not a fraud but I know what you mean. Whenever there are people with depression or a mental illness in telly they’ve been in hospital and gone through some amazing treatment. It’s not like that in real life.
    You’re not a fraud. And a mental hospital is unlikely to help you, the best thing it did for me is help me to appreciate not being in hospital when I got out. It made no difference to my mental health and there was no treatment while I was in there.
    You don’t get any recognition for wading through the shit times without having a breakdown because most people don’t understand how hard it can be. You have to recognise it for yourself and appreciate how well you’re doing despite feeling shite because sometimes that’s all there is.

    • hypomanitee says:

      Thank you. While I’ve struggled for a very long time with my mental health I’m still coming to terms with what’s happening now and I’m really glad you shared with me. I hope things are better for you now.

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