Just watched Bedlam on 4oD. It made me uncomfortable. It made me cry. It made me feel like a fraud. I can’t be mentally ill. I’m not in hospital. I’m functioning. I’m in the world.
But then last night I slept for 13 hours. I haven’t got dressed. I haven’t showered. Granted, it may be because I’m a little bit poorly – a touch of a cold. But is that why I could barely breathe any words on the phone to W? Why I spent the afternoon panicking about dying of cancer and wondering which boyfriend, present or past, that I’d call? Would it be the call of blackmail, revenge and bitterness, or the one professing that they’re the love of my life and I’m sorry?
But then I’ve managed to swim through the soup to do uni work and the washing up.
But then I couldn’t get out of bed to cook and so ate junk until it hurt.
What if I’m not sick? What if I’m just broken because of a Very Bad Thing which happened to me? What if I’m making it all up?
I’m a fraud, I’m a fraud, I’m a fraud.
But what if I’m not?