I can feel it. I felt it happening this afternoon. I felt it when I realised that I can’t go on placement next week due to various fuck ups and I wasn’t angry. I was vaguely annoyed but cheerful. And now in the past hour I’ve experienced a mixture of panic and abject terror while in a bath surrounded by candles. The only way I could calm myself down was to lie face down in the bath, chin under the water, digging my nails into my shoulder blades. I felt good then and then abstracted, like I wanted to cry but couldn’t feel anything. I’ve been distracted, leaving things half done and the flat’s a mess. I feel trembly and like everything’s just a bit much. I thought all my hair had fallen out and I broke my cold tap because I couldn’t remember which way to turn it. It sounds stupid but that’s how disorganised my thoughts can be.

At first I just felt a bit feverish. Then it was like after you’ve had a night on eckies and are struggling to sleep at 4am. Your head keeps chattering like a little monkey with stupid thoughts like ‘how do electric showers work?’ and you’re just a bit wired and buzzy. I just feel a bit unsafe, not like I’m in danger or going to do anything silly (or serious), but just nervous.

It’s funny because I was laughing until I cried earlier. There’s a pile of rubbish building up in the kitchen – a sign of the impending doom to come. Every time I think I’m normal, that I can’t possibly really be manic depressive, I have to stop and remember. I struggle so much to remember what it’s like at either end. When I’m up I forget what I’m like when I’m depressed and vice versa. I ask W ‘what am I like when I’m not like this?’

I’m going to go ask him now.

23.19 – I rang W and all it did was make me sad and angry. He doesn’t understand and he never will. There is absolutely fuck all he can do and I really want him to do something but he can’t. I just want him to fuck off. I just want it to stop.

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