I have had a lovely weekend. W took me for dinner at a fabulous restaurant last night – there were medieval portraits on the wall and the toilets had Harry Potter audiobooks playing on the soundsystem. I ate chilli and garlic-marinated goats cheese, pancetta-wrapped pork fillet stuffed with black pudding (a symphony of pig!) with mustard mash and sweet potato chips, then a sticky toffee pudding with ice cream. Today we had breakfast at Wimpy, then he let me nap while he made cocktails (strawberries with black pepper and vodka – only a wee bit, mind) and cooked dinner (steak and ale stew with cheesy garlicky mash). He even did the washing up.
I had a moderate meltdown on Friday night. It wasn’t a full on manic panic but it was a definite ‘ring W at 2am’ affair. Every time I go up or down I have a big identity crisis and I lose my internal thread upon which hangs my sense of self. It’s like I struggle to see how the two incongruous sides of my personality match up because they’re so wildly different. This isn’t helped by being very, very sad and plagued by uncomfortable memories and unwanted thoughts. Needless to say, I got a bit emotional.
W listened, groggily, as I tangled myself in a knot and passed out – my antidepressants make me very drowsy. When I awoke, something wonderful happened. W wrote something which helped me pull my self-image back together. He explained that it’s not me that changes, just my moods. Even though I feel like a different person, there is a consistent whole that runs through everything and he knows who I am even when I don’t. He recognises that there’s a facade that I put up when inside I’m really struggling, but that overall there’s a person that he loves very much and I don’t stop being me. Needless to say, I got a bit emotional – in a good way this time.
Even though I’ve crashed significantly and been a quieter, sleepier manatee I’m ok. There’s a trickle of sadness and the world’s a little less bright but I’m alright. I’ve had a beautiful weekend and I know that someone loves me very much. Let’s see what happens tomorrow.