In the space of 72 hours, I seem to have gone pretty much nocturnal. I desperately miss the structure I had to my week in that long forgotten time of, oh, five days ago when I had to get up and be a real person… well, as close as a student can be. This is the difficulty I have being bipolar – my body is sensitive to the slightest changes and my delicate grip on daylight is very easily lost. My mum says that I’ve always been like this. I’ve always needed very regular hours and a good routine of sleep and food. I’ve noticed that my periods are somewhat unpredictable as well, often sneaking up on me or making me panic buy pregnancy tests even though I’ve got another 9 blessed and baby-free years left on my coil, which I’ve read can be common for us in the batshit brigade.
Part of me is wondering if this is my natural state, that capitalism has interfered to force everyone into a little 9-5 box and made the world hostile to mavericks like me who occupy the night. That’s why so many mad people become artists – you can set your own hours to obsess over your latest formaldehyde fancy. But really, I’m probably just bipolar.
I’ve been on a bit of a downer. I’ve managed to get an awful lot of uni work done but I’ve become rubbish at Scrabble (brain’s not working fast enough) and found going out of the house somewhat nerve-wracking this afternoon. I went to the doctors to pick up a prescription and as he asked my address I completely forgot where I lived. I bumbled round Tesco in a state of anxiety, things are usually going south when I start getting lost in shops, and was so relieved to return home. I’ve been off my food but compelled to eat, hoovering food but not really tasting anything. I ate 24 chicken dippers – I couldn’t meet Michel Roux Jr’s eye while watching Masterchef. Mind you, I once had a dream about him eating a packet of Wotsits with a naughty expression on his face so who’s to say what he gets up to in his spare time.
Thankfully there’s a lot of excellent television at the moment to soothe me as I do my workbooks. Everyone on my course seems to be enjoying placement so they feel very much like wet playtime. Still, it might be for the best that I’m contained in my flat during this little down patch.