Today has been another day where I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone. I went to see Occupational Health at uni and a very nice doctor said that they’re there to help and that it doesn’t matter what I did as a youth, as long as I don’t do it any more (don’t get caught lol jk). He also said that his brother had compiled a study proving that the success rate for people on my course with mental health issues is the same as anyone else and is a champion of their cause – he was quick to add that this perspective is something of a rarity. I have to continue being honest and engage with treatment. I am not to do night shifts for three months and am to be reviewed in two.
He asked me if I was stable at the minute. I fudged through it. I didn’t want to tell him that I don’t really remember being stable ever. I think I’ve always been like this. Everything feels like a big grey bad peppered with the odd cheerful moment, after a week of paranoia, aggression and hysterics. I didn’t know that there’s an alternative. I feel dull and unhappy and unfunny and glum and vaguely angry. I do not want to talk to anyone. This Fortress of Solitude belongs to Crapgirl, not Superman.
I have things I should be doing but sincerely and utterly do not care about. I should be preparing for an upcoming exam. I should be preparing a timeline and getting ready to discuss events where I’ve felt dis/empowered. I am attending a doctors appointment student rep conference tomorrow. I have done nothing except sit in my bed eating cream cheese and playing The Sims 2. I lovingly recreated both my current flat and parents’ home plus I made an avatar of my stuffed gorilla and he graduated college magna cum laude so we can’t really say it was a wasted day.
I hope that by having played The Sims all day instead of all night (I played until 4am, even though I probably could have slept much earlier) then tonight I’ll do useful things like get packed up to go back home. Really, I do not want to do anything ever again.
W sent me this. It’s good: http://rookiemag.com/2012/09/on-falling-apart/