Swimming to the surface?

It’s been a while, chums. Lots has happened, the break up was hard but I feel better. I’ve been feeling better for a few weeks, since before Xmas, and managed to enjoy a nice holiday at home and with friends. There was a horrendous gastric infection which a friend brought across from the US but the less details about that the better.

I feel more assertive at the moment. I have undertaken some brave things and been honest about my feelings. I feel in control. I don’t feel high but am obviously concerned I’ve just had a mild hypomanic period. I do have a deeper sense of wellbeing than I’ve had in months. Managed to resist drugs, had a bit to drink over Xmas but didn’t get smashed… New Year’s Eve I did lose my memory a little but we were playing a drinking game with champagne, big shots that we are. I have been maintaining my exercise routine which has been fantastic for my mood and my sleep has not been negatively affected. I’m hoping this has been a good period. I feel like myself. Events which might have shaken me, namely around cold sores which can be one of my killer obsessions, have been managed successfully and without panic. I feel just kind of zen and existentialist, that I am as I am but that’s just peachy, and I haven’t done anything proper silly. I hope. Time will tell. I have also recently been granted funding for a needs assessment for Disabled Students Allowance and I’ll report back with progress as that happens.

Today I’ve been in a funny mood but I’m sincerely hoping it’s just because I took a smaller 50mg dose of Trazodone last night with a view to reducing. Withdrawal includes sweating buckets (check), feeling edgy (yes) and I’ve noticed that it gives me an exhausted, drunk sort of feeling (guuuhhh). I’m hoping it’s just that. Full dose tonight. Going to ask doctors for 25mg tablets because I cannot hack a 50mg drop if it feels like this. My mum has always been very keen for me to come off the medication and I thought I’d give it a go since she mentioned it last night. Proof I shouldn’t do it unsupervised, just glad I had the day off.

The fear that I am both bipolar and not really bipolar hangs over me. I feel ok though, I’m pretty certain I’m just a bit fucked from my Trazodone as I’ve felt like this before. Just got to keep an eye on things. There is the concern that I split up with my last ex at exactly the same time last year. Am I just repeating yet another cycle or am I in control of my actions? Am I normal? Have I been happy and assertive or impulsive and reckless? Did I just spend the past few months in a relationship I didn’t want to be in and got massively depressed OR was I just regulation batshit? Am I still batshit? Did I just spend a long time living out the consequences of an extremely passive aggressive family, as my brother suggested? Was I having a difficult adjustment period after moving out on my own? Was it a seasonal change? Am I actually handling my shit or am I due to topple over any second? Answers on a postcard please!

Haven’t heard from the psychiatrist which is abysmal. Nice one, guys. Not like Xmas is a vulnerable time or anything. Good show.

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