I’m bored. So bored. I didn’t feel bored at uni and I didn’t feel bored when my friend was round. I felt good when I exercised and managed to push myself further. I watched a boring film and am writing my boring blog. Boring boring boring. It could be a bad sign, that it has all been hypomania and now here comes the tick tick tick crash, or it could be that I live on my own in a small flat with no one to talk to and am desperate for company. I miss my parents – the chat in our house is generally belter.
I wish I was clear cut crazy instead of just maybe a bit of something not quite sure perhaps. That’s not really true though. I just hope this isn’t the yawning, painful boredom that makes me think of suicide. I can become hopelessly bored by everything to the point where I want to kill myself. Maybe I’m just understimulated today. Xmas was busy and fun with lots of people, I’m a natural extrovert, so maybe it’s just dull real life again.
I think the thing my brother was getting at before is that I just don’t know what’s normal. Like, it’s probably normal to be bored when you live on your own and Xmas has finished. I get dramatic and make it pathological. He reckons it’s because our parents never told us off as kids – we got long guilt trips or ignored or made to feel like we weren’t loved anymore if we did something wrong. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I’m frustrated by not knowing – I’m not depressed about it but I’ve got too much time to think. Maybe I’m just being self-indulgent. I want visitors again. I was supposed to have a visit this week but it bottomed out. I’ve a trip to Scotland planned soon, booked on a whim, and I’m looking forward to it.
I’m knackered as well – I didn’t sleep very well last night (I think I was just too warm) and woke up a few times before my alarm. Perhaps it’s uni which disrupts my body clock, rather than me being dysfunctional, as it makes me get up at a time which doesn’t suit me and it’s not constant at the minute. Sometimes, after uni, I’m too tired to read or concentrate properly on TV or films. Maybe that’s normal. Fuck’s sake, man. Maybe I’m just normal and a bit of an idiot. I’ve been perky and cheerful today, went for a pint at lunch and then had a couple of beers with I this evening before he went to a party. Then I was bored. Maybe I just need people.
I wish I could go for a drive. The northern lights might be visible tonight. Christ, I wish I could go for a drive.