The thing about razorblades is that, while they cut easier and the cuts bleed more impressively, it just doesn’t hurt very much. I’d never used them before. It stings a bit and has made a nice mess but it just doesn’t hurt. I can’t tell if it’s just because I’ve cycled round and round. I’ve been really hostile and angry all day. Tonight I was edgy but excitable and fun and loud and silly. I kept moving and spreading my body outwards across the table, dominating the space. Then I just wanted to go home. I considered killing myself but I’ve never really wanted to die, even when I think about the various ways I could end my life. Cars and trains dominate. I just want the feelings to stop. I just want to feel ok. I’ve been binge eating today.

I’ve been reading about lamotrigine today. It seems to be highly effective for BPII and has only a few minor (if any) side effects. There is the chance of developing a rash which will literally kill you (Steven-Johnson Syndrome) but hey, at least you don’t get fat. Think I’m going to ask my psychiatrist for it. I don’t want to be fat, sexless and sedated by quetiapine unless I really have to be. Let me shoot for the stars before I sit in the gutter. I read a lot of reviews online which proclaimed so much love for lamotrigine, how it gives people their lives back and allows them to just be. The people who’ve reacted badly to it miss it. I think it’s worth a shot. I really want to commit to being well and then one day I can maybe, truly and honestly, ask for forgiveness from those I’ve hurt. I’m just so angry that I’ve been given no resources – I do want to be well but what the fuck am I supposed to do without therapy or proper medical intervention? I feel like I’m being set up to fail. 

I’ve been snapping my elastic band all day. I don’t know if it actually helps or just lets me self-harm discreetly all day. I’m trying to stop squeezing spots and picking my face as I’ve started to leave scars. The band helps with that but the underlying desire to damage myself isn’t going anywhere.

My usual four pints have left no dent in me. I feel like I’ve been on vibrate this evening. Now I’m nothing, save for a little sting in my thigh.

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