Crying on the train home (again) is so embarrassing.
Nearly booked a trip to Amsterdam. Had thoughts of jacking in my course and going to work in a coffeeshop. Started doing my research, looking at flights etc. luckily I’m so disorganised that I’d never be able to pull it off. Had plans to meet W there while he’s on a trip with his friends to surprise him an have him fall madly in love with me again. Thank fuck I’m too depressed to actually follow through on my manic plans.
I’m burnt out. I hate placement. I don’t see the point. I keep having awful thoughts about the people I support. Like I can’t see the point in their existence. I can’t see the point in the work I do. It’s all one big long distraction and attempt to look busy while they sit in their own piss and shit. I’ve been doing this job in various forms for 7 years – I think part of me is genuinely burnt out. I know that’s not really me but I feel like nothing I do is worthwhile. Maybe I’ve just had enough.
I got a complement on my insight and understanding into autism today and it made me feel so guilty for all those thoughts.
I want to run away and live a selfish empty life.