Had a nice evening with J, drinking and playing video games. Had a nice day on the beach and ate a lot of curry.
Still got really bad suicidal ideation. Thinking about how numb I feel, how much of a cunt W is (only called to make himself feel better, fuck him and whatever whore he’s managed to find), I hate C, I’m lonely, I’m fed up, I wish I was dead, I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I know it will pass, I have to get through each hour at a time. I don’t really want to die. I don’t really want to hurt myself. I’m just angry and and hurting.
Felt so awkward and sad with everything I said tonight. I know it’s all internal, I’m very poorly at the moment and it’s not really about anyone else. I will probably feel better tomorrow and if I don’t then I have to wait and see if I feel better the next day. I am poorly. This is not how I will always feel.
Off round to L’s.