Single White Female

Might be a bit manic, went out in a crop top and see-through shirt. Had an appalling night’s sleep due to the sleep shift I did at work (broke up a fight between two middle aged ladies at like 10pm after 12 hours on shift. I handed my senior a list of improvements we need to make to the service as it runs like a dead slug. I didn’t think much of it at the time but upon reflection it’s indicative of how far I’ve come in the past couple of years. I previously would never have made a bones about anything, not really daring to complain when I thought something was wrong, but I’ve now seen the world through the eyes of a confident professional and have zero qualms about demanding stuff for my service users (and a blackout blind for staff because the window is directly under a streetlight). Came home and had an hour and a half nap this afternoon before tarting myself up royally to go to… the bank. There was an abortive attempt at a night out but nobody’s going blah blah blah.

I’ve been reflecting on boys again. I sometimes miss W but then I don’t. He was very good to me and I don’t want to slag him off (particularly if you’re reading this, dude, but knowing that sometimes makes it hard to be honest). When we met I was convinced I was moving to Scotland and so wasn’t really up for anything long term. He thought we were the real deal and for a while so did I. It would’ve been nice if it was but it didn’t work out. I knew I was at the beginning of doing what I’ve always wanted to do, even if I didn’t end up in Scotland (which had been my dream for YEARS and has only really changed since I’ve been so happy where I am now) and had my shit to think about. Plus I’m only 23 and true love doesn’t usually find you in a studio flat, about to start a uni course and recently diagnosed with a serious mental disorder – even if it did you probably wouldn’t know what to do with it. He also has some shit he hasn’t dealt with and we ended up doing each other’s heads in – shit changed. I sometimes get sad and angry about it or romanticise things still but I try and keep it in perspective. It wasn’t perfect but it was very beautiful and I’m very grateful, even we both nobbed things up from time to time. He taught me a lot about sticking up for myself, not taking shit and getting what I want – I just don’t think he planned on me using it against him. I don’t know what I taught him, hopefully something good, probably mostly food related. I still have a lot of love for him but still, I only want to call in a complete and utter emergency (being shitfaced doesn’t count).

C, on the other hand, is a complete and utter disaster zone (like proper fucked up, no kidding). However, in a weird way I can kind of accept him as is, even if I’m regularly baffled and disappointed. Like, I know for a fact I’m not going to spend the rest of my life with him and half the time I’m not even sure if I like him, (he cried over a dead WWF wrestler, is rabidly obsessed with the Labour party, has little to no sense of humour, unironically owns a Nelson Mandela poster and is vegetarian) and so I’m pretty ok with not being in a relationship with him – beyond that date we went on one time and seeing him weekly at the pub quiz but not really beyond that but there blatantly being something happening I don’t know what the fuck – and not getting overly involved. He is also quite endearing and can be a very nice human being on occasion, particularly now I know a lot more about behind the scenes, but mostly I just find him ridiculously, superbly hot. Like most people, I suppose, a lot of his bullshit isn’t his fault and he’s had to deal with a lot, though that doesn’t mean he’s not an actual jerk sometimes. I get the feeling he’ll fuck me over at some point but really, truly, that’s only if I let him. I don’t want to be his emotional caretaker, I have to recognise and keep my distance (unless/until he eventually becomes a real person but I ain’t sitting around waiting for that to happen). Much easier said than done, I like to obsess over things and keeping my distance while remaining openly interested does carry the risk that he gets to treat me like shit without taking any real responsibility for doing so. That will only happen if I let it though – I am in control! I just have to remember what an absolute fucking lunatic he is, much as I like him sometimes and do harbour dreams that everything will turn out like Adam and Hannah in Girls because I am a white female in my 20s who is living off her parents’ dime and I HAVE FEELINGS OK though I haven’t actually watched season 3 yet, and be very honest with myself about what I want or might potentially be getting into. I mean, he wants a Metallica tattoo for fuck’s sake. Grim.

Otherwise, I am incredibly grateful to have a wonderful set of friends who are there for me. My pal L and I are in pretty much exactly the same place in life right now, we’re on the same course but she’s in her ‘fuck until I find love’ phase and I’m a bit more ‘let’s see if this one thing might work out down the… oh no, wait this is terrible I’m gonna fuck until I find love’, so we keep each other afloat like wee little otters holding hands. My pal I is a constant rock, we made some music the other night with a pal of his and it was totally tubular so that’ll hopefully be a thing. My other pals are scattered around the country but I know they’re there – whenever we speak on the phone any kind of distance melts away.

Really, I know that everyone’s right and I need to focus on getting my own shit together. The fact is that getting one’s shit together is like taking a really difficult poo: it’s hard, often takes a lot longer than you expect and there’s usually a lot of mess to clean up. The fact is, every time I make a new or disastrous decision I learn a little more and even when I make the same mistakes (as I inevitably do) I make them a little less hard.

I am a strong and independent single lady in a first world country who gets to spend her afternoons eating salad and watching Mad Men. I am free to make whatever disastrous decision I fancy and have lots of people who will counsel me through it, wipe my snotty nose and hold my hair back when I’m being sick. I have to remember that just because I am sometimes in the wrong, the person I am arguing with is not automatically off the hook – everyone is a silly, blundering human being who needs patience, acceptance and love (barf) but that doesn’t preclude them from a royal boot up the arse. It is about hunting that scary, elusive spectre which haunts my dreams: balance. I will learn to level myself out, with help from my friends and doctors, but in a lot of ways I’m doing better than I ever have before (until a week or two later when I’m sobbing uncontrollably because BIPOLAR HOORAY!)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit in my sexy pants and eat chocolate.

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