I am completely deluded. I am not ok with this bullshit. Any of it. I miss having someone around that really wants to spend time with me. I forgot that I am also someone else’s compromise, as much as they are mine. I have got to get over myself. I want to be modest, open-minded and willing to accept someone who might love me.
I am so bored I could die. I have spent the past few days locked in my tiny flat with nothing but my laptop for company.
That being said, I have spent the past few hours reading ‘What I’m Really Thinking’ on The Guardian and it would seem that nobody is happy. Ever. Everyone is always sat wanting what everyone else has got or, if they get the thing they want, it’s taken away from them and they are forced to live with disappointment and ghosts. How can we make peace with ourselves if all our desires come from outside? What is my truth? What the fuck am I supposed to be doing? How do we not all get crushed by the colossal weight of existential angst? I would say that this pontification is a self-indulgent luxury but that assumes that even the people in the lowest, shittiest situations don’t sit there going ‘how the hell did I get here?’ Of course they do, we are all conscious human beings. To think that only wears away the distinct edges of every individual and renders them mute. To exist in misery and to triumph over it, to accept and to kick against, the duality and multiplicity of human nature.
I am struck by how many people go ‘this is not permanent, this is not forever’. It is still reality. It is a continuous whole which exists only in the immediate. I sound like such an acid casualty but it’s the thought which makes my heart break and my soul want to leave my body. This is it. This is life, now. It is all it ever will be. The question is, what do I really want to be doing with it right now, in this instant, for that’s all it is?
I want to be held. I want to not feel so disappointed. I want to love someone and be loved in return. I want to be off my face on something interesting. I want to share these thoughts with someone who nods and goes ‘yes, yes, I understand’ and for the light of recognition to go on. I want to make peace with my own solitude. Then again, I want to be part of a team.