So last night I was in a terrible mood so I had the bright idea to go out and get completely shitfaced. I got blackout drunk and was probably a massive twat. Good old I took very good care of me and put up with my bullshit. He’s a really good friend.
I’m a bit lost at the minute. I’m so glad my mum’s back from holiday, I missed her so much. I feel like I’ve lost my anchor and she helps bring me back to earth. I need to plan a holiday or something to look forward to. I spent so long waiting to study my course and now that I am I don’t know what to do. The thought of finally doing what I really wanted kept me going through having a miserable time and now… Well, I don’t know what’s next. I thought it would sort my life out for me, it kind of has but I’m still the same person I’ve always been. Now I have to build and grow. This is it. This is life.
It’s like I thought getting my diagnosis would sort it all out. Same with breaking up with W. If I can just do this one thing then it’ll all be ok. Granted I have a lot more self knowledge now but no real solutions to anything. I’m still the jerk at the centre. My soul is more settled but I’m unsure who I am or where I’m going. I just kind of am. If I want to be a better person I need to set myself some real, manageable goals. I need to work out some things that I would like to happen. I need to do the things on my list that I worked out with E. I also need to chill my beans as well and just accept, well, all of it. All of me.
I’m so bored at the moment as well. Being on holiday has never suited me. I need to make something happen. I need to be present. It’s like I’m constantly hungover (though today I was, extremely so) and waiting until the evening when the shitty feeling wears off and I can function again. Now is a weird time.
I’m going go karting tomorrow with my nephew. I’m fucking terrified. I think I’m most worried about making a fool of myself. Even though I don’t often wear make up, I refused to take part in the whole no make up selfie thing on Facebook for fear of looking silly. I think I didn’t want to be some kind of mope but it also made me feel vulnerable. I hope I don’t crash and die, that would suck. And I’d look really silly.