Slept abysmally, went go-karting and it was quite good. Lots of driving in circles with petrol fumes and jiggling from the kart makes one feel a bit queasy but it was fun.
This evening, on the other hand, has been AWESOME. I was bored so I decided to go to the cinema. I went to see “Vi är bäst!”, a charming but powerful film about three 13 year old girls starting a punk band in 1980s Stockholm. It is the sort of film I absolutely love about the kind of things I really love and it was great. I went alone, with nobody to tell me that it sounded silly or pretentious or girly, and I had a great evening. I felt empowered and alive and uninhibited.
I thought about lots of things. There’s a scene where the girls play a gig and the crowd bum rushes them, calling them ‘communist cunts’. The crowd goes to attack three 13 year old girls, three children, in a youth centre for daring to be visible and noisy. They are called a ‘girlband’ rather than just a band. They are told that they do not win, that they are ugly and not worthy of attention despite having the COOLEST haircuts ever (I can sympathise having been a proudly dreadlocked 14 year old). It is assumed that they do not know how to play (admittedly two of them don’t but they really don’t care because they are punk as fuck, the one who can thoroughly lays the smackdown on the arrogant men who try and teach her basic chords). Women who dare to speak out and be punk as fuck have to deal with a lot of exhausting and stupid bullshit. It’s time to get punk as fuck.
I thought about all the effort women expend on making men comfortable and how much thought we put into caring about someone because caring about someone doesn’t just happen! All those little things people do like remember birthdays, buy thoughtful gifts, turn up on time, send a text message, getting dressed up, call someone – they happen because we endeavour to make them happen. It made me ring my mum to tell her how grateful I am for all the effort she puts in to making people feel good. It does not just happen. The arrogance and self-centredness of the teenage boys in the film made me squirm at its familiarity. They don’t recognise all the agonising and care behind everything.
Tonight has been a really good night. I’m so glad I went out. Tomorrow I am going to a Spanish conversation meet up just because I can. It might be fun. I am in charge. Doesn’t matter if this is hypomania or genuine insight because it is all useful. I feel like I am starting to understand my capability to do things I want to do. Little adventures are on the cards.
Punk as fuck.
** I also stirred up the energy to work out this evening which has probably also been a huge boost! Gotta get back into it.