What I haven’t been talking about are the random emotions and urges and thoughts I’ve been having. Just spent half an hour picking my skin in the mirror, squeezing spots until I tear the skin. I’ve been fighting the urge to calm one of my exes and convince him that he’s my one true love, I’ve been swinging through anger and frustration and happiness and highness the past couple of days. A lot of it is boredom and loneliness. I’ve been spending more, I’ve been doing more and wanting to do more, I’ve been horrifically bored. I keep figuring things out, some of it being genuine insight and righteous anger, but some of it had brought me to tears in the middle of the street. I don’t know if I’m ok or not.
Now, all of a sudden, everything just feels a bit much. My skin feels too tight but in tired. Wild plans have to be kept in check.
I know that I have to relax into being single and enjoy life. I’m just not sure why I feel so much pressure in my head and body sometimes. Some of it has been triggered my the news of my friend’s pregnancy, selfish me has feelings about it which are making me feel all tight and wound up. I’m so happy and excited for them but it’s stirring my thoughts in a circle.
Am I ok? Have I just hit the tipping point?
1am – don’t feel ok. Feel antsy and tense and like my fingers are flickering. Don’t feel bad but feel like there’s a scream welling up in my chest. Managed to distract myself for a while but it’s back. I don’t feel completely out there and wild, feel like I’m making it all up as a distraction from boredom. All I do is invent new psychodramas with which to occupy my sad little self. I feel angry with myself.