Petrol Bomb

Nope, I am super awake. Despite a poor night’s sleep, going to work, exercising hard and being in a car for over three hours I am still very awake. I am treading steadily towards hating myself. I can’t keep all my feelings or thoughts in a straight line for very long. I’m tired of the loop-de-loops, of the black and white back and forth between extremes. Even though I can see what’s happening I still haven’t the foggiest what to do. When my pal dropped me off I wanted to get straight back in the car and carry on going.

It’s exhausting and stupid. I keep thinking about all my exes and can never maintain how I feel for very long. It alternates between effusive adoration and hatred for all of them. I gush, empathise and then feel apathetic. It makes me feel unlovable. It makes me bitter about how W said that I’m worth it after all, like I’ll only be loved out of charity because I’m so unbearable. I know he meant well but it’s not very nice to hear that I’m difficult to love. I do find myself intolerable sometimes. I’m probably easy to love but hard to be with – I should know, I have to be with myself all the time. I just don’t know what to do. I resent having to change to make other people’s lives easier – that’s why I want to be on my own. If I make a change then it’s only for me. If I take medication then it’s because I want to feel better, not so I can behave like a nice girl and make someone else happy. I’d like to be appreciated for all the colour and vibrancy I offer, the destructive tendencies included, because while I’m often completely bananas I’m also quite interesting. Evidently I need to be loved by somebody who’s essentially a bit boring but strong and insightful. It would help if I really fancied them as well. But maybe part of my problem is that I’m not as good looking as I pretend to be. I’ve never had brilliant self-esteem even though I come across as very confident.

I just get so fucking bored of being alive. It’s not enough at the moment. Maybe this is part of my quarter life crisis, as J pointed out. I’m in a time of flux and crisis as I try and figure out what the hell is going on. Then again, crises often bring about revolutions. Certainly feels like there’s a petrol bomb inside my head sometimes.

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