I made it to the shop. I’m so emotionally incontinent today. I shuffled round Lidl like a zombie (it’s quieter and I have far less chance of running into anyone I know), I couldn’t look at anyone on the way past the bus stop or speak to the guy who served me. Then my friend T wanted to know if I was coming to the pub tonight and it made me cry, just because someone wants to see me. I managed to avoid buying crap (e.g. cereal, bread, processed stuff), aside from my usual fish fingers and a bar of white chocolate which I wish I hadn’t got, and included more fruit than usual. It just took so much energy, my legs feel numb. Then I got home and got impossibly angry with my friend L for her insensitivity without even speaking to her. I’ve felt really pissed off with her all week, not sure if I got overexposed to her last week or am jealous of her going to the pub/getting male attention or genuinely annoyed or if she’s just become the target of intimate rage in the absence of a boyfriend.

I’ve put the shopping away. I might attempt the bins. I don’t know if I want to go to the pub. I have to remind myself, just as when I’m high as a kite, that this all just a feeling and I’ve got to stick to my routine.

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