I am in the absolute worst part of my cycle. I am really heavily on my way down and can’t stop thinking about killing myself. It feels unbearably painful. I can’t stop crying. I can’t get out of bed. I’ve been drawing on my wrists to try to soothe the urge to self harm. I really miss W. I feel so full of remorse. I’ve just tried ringing mum and dad but they’re not home. Reading stories of other people’s bipolar experiences makes it hit home that this is real. Hypomania is really hard to acknowledge though. It’s like you know exactly what you’re doing and what you want, plus you have supreme confidence that you can get it, but really it’s because you’re on some sensory binge because your chemicals are all fucked up. It has its perks but I don’t want to live like this anymore. At the moment I don’t want to live at all. I can’t find the energy or inclination to speak to anyone.
It seems like all the magical understanding and spiritual growth I’ve achieved in the past few months has been nothing but part of my illness. All those important thoughts are just a chemical imbalance for my cerebral diabetes. It is no wonder that I cannot hold down a relationship.