Tag Archives: rage

Edgar Allen Poe-Faced

I didn’t fall asleep until at least 4am last night and woke at 11am today. I have felt a small swell of anger and anxiety pooling within me this evening, a barely there tension, but have felt a lot better since I came to work. Got incredibly frustrated and stressed while trying to organise my banking and finances (to the point where I was quite vicious with my dad on the phone – he does have a habit of overcomplicating things – but he was very understanding as he hates call centres too) and was at points incandescent with rage. It turns out that I’d made an error with an account number so my rent didn’t get paid but I’ve sorted it now, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth. It just took me rather a long time to come down.

Coming to work has been a real pleasure. I really like L and spending time at her home tonight has been dead nice. We’ve just quietly floated around each other, me assisting where necessary, but we shared a really nice moment as we flicked through her support plan together. Despite only meeting her briefly the other day we seem to have clicked and I’m pleased about that, even though I’m none too enthusiastic about the sleep shift itself. I just hope that all continues to go well and I do eventually get some sleep, though I doubt it’ll be L’s fault if I don’t.

I tried to have a small workout but it left me feeling a bit cranky and heavy. I didn’t have any trazodone last night and I’m going to try not to tonight, though I’ve brought it in case it gets to the wee hours and I really need some help getting drowsy. It’s not so much the nights that bother me but I know when I get up I’m going to feel rough. I can’t afford to nap after work.

I contacted someone after a silent week. After indulging a great many fantasies during last night’s sleepless ague I forgot how impenetrable he can be, particularly over Facebook. Small talk, nay talking in any form, is not his forte. Not sure how to play it. Going to take a bigger needle to get blood from this stone. Still, it’s all just an amusing fancy and something to do. Chasing boys is just another interest or hobby, a diversion from the unending tedium of existence which creeps its fingers up my back and around my throat. Not that I’m feeling morbid or anything. Just a bit of grumpy, gothic joie-de-vivre.

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Think I was a bit hypo yesterday but it’s been the irritable, icky kind of hypo where I’ve just been pissed off or understimulated. Been doodling a lot in lectures, hard to stay interested in an annoyed/bored way, find conversations irritating and hard to maintain (seriously people, stop being so dull), nearly cried and punched my computer because I couldn’t get a game to work (could just be standard Nerd Rage but it’s noticeably different to malingering apathy). Been mildly annoyed by things all day though I had such a really good chat with my mum. Been agitated. Stayed up til 3am this morning and then woke up a few times before my alarm, always a bad sign. Went to town and walked miles, been off my food the past couple of days but had a big meal for dinner. Think I’m exhausted so had a mini binge. Am just kind of pissed off. Was fairly furious that Spanish was cancelled though it was justified as it’s the second week in a row/third time she’s failed to email me about it and I’d walked ages to get there. Fuck that noise.

Concerned I may sometimes have traits of borderline personality disorder, don’t think I have the full-blown thing but there are things I find relevant, and have been reading a lot about its overlaps with bipolar i and ii. Think I have some bad habits stemming from poor management of my symptoms, traumatic relationships (intimate and friendships) and Very Bad Things which have happened. Need to remember to bring this up at my next appointment.

Got good plans for the weekend and am very excited to see one of my best friends on Friday. We’re going to drink beer and play computer games and maybe eat ribs. Mmm ribs. Hope everything stops tasting like cardboard by then.

Can’t wait to go home for Christmas and spend time with my family but also looking forward to being out of this dark and cold flat. The lights are bust and nobody’s come to fix it plus I’ve fucked the bulb in my new lamp accidentally. I want guilt-free central heating and lights. Fuck this shit.

Been thinking that maybe my course is a waste of time. Not got enough to do, should have done a masters, should have moved to Scotland like I always wanted to grr life but really that’s silly as I do love it, I’m just not busy enough. Least I’ve shed some of the unbearable guilt I’ve been feeling about old memories. Anger means I must be thinking a bit clearer. My emotions come from a real place even if they’re a bit too big. Ah well. Fuck that noise.


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